Dear Grieving Friend,
Know that you are loved. Your pain is real. You are not alone. You always have someone to talk to. I am willing to listen and talk with you, if you need me. God is always there too, He is always good, and He is much more patient than I.
Losing someone you love is never easy. I know you know this, but this is not the way that life was supposed to be. Life wasn’t originally supposed to include death… suffering… pain… Our hearts and sometimes our mouths scream, “No! This wasn’t supposed to happen!” When my mom died, I kept finding myself thinking not the usual “why?” but “what?” – how could Mama – Mama – be gone? I was not worried about “why,” but it made no sense that she was dead and my mind struggled to even process that fact.
Death stinks.
Your heart will hurt and your head may ache – you may be in literal, physical pain to go along with that emotional pain. When my mom had a stroke about three and a half years ago, I had a horrible headache for days, possibly weeks. I remembered this on the day of my mother’s funeral- this physical pain from emotional stress and anguish- and brought an entire bottle of ibubrofen with me that day… when I asked my family, all together in a small room off the main funeral, if anyone else needed some ibubrofen, so many people said yes that I emptied the bottle that morning.
My dear friend, please know that it is OK to grieve. It is good to feel, yes, even the pain. Bottling up grief can cause more problems for you than just letting it wash over you, giving in, and trusting that God will sustain you. It is right to grieve. Winnie the Pooh – a sort of symbol in my family- says, “How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” Though I do not agree with everything our beloved, silly bear has to say, I think this quote resonates in my heart and soul. How blessed am I to have loved someone so deeply that my whole self cries out when they pass on. To still love someone, even when they are gone away.
Time may heal all wounds, but wounds often leave scars. Grieving does not always take place soon, quickly, or on our time-table. Sometimes it can surprise you. Take one day- one moment- at a time. Two days after my Mom’s funeral, a very dear friend of mine- like a grandfather to me- died. Sometimes, I still find myself looking for him at our Sunday evening prayer times, and my stomach lurches as I remember… I won’t find him there. Love and sadness can linger…
Almost ten years ago my brother died. I still remember that day- burned into my mind- but I will spare you all of those details right now. I remember grieving, though it took me hours to cry, right away. However, later I tried to “turn it off,” to hide the pain from myself, and I became numb. I can tell you all about that sometime if you need me to, but suffice it to say that I know the importance of letting yourself grieve and feel. Just trust me. You’ve heard of Lazarus, right? God raised him from the dead, but before he did that, Jesus wept. Even Jesus cried when his friend died!
Be sad. Talk about your loved one. Be awkward (bringing up death can be awkward). Scream if you need to (preferably not AT anyone…). Tell people you miss your loved one; that you’re thinking about them.
It’s so difficult… and just to make it more difficult, everyone grieves differently. Try not to be upset by other people feeling different emotions than you and don’t assume you’ll go through all those “stages of grief” – you might, but you might not. Be patient with others- it is hard to know what to say to someone who is mourning, even when you yourself are mourning. Just let them hug you… hugs, I’m convinced, have a special “healing power” for us.
Remember, dear, that there is always hope in Christ. He died and rose again to bear our sin and bring us into right relationship with God. Sin is our biggest problem, and he took care of it for us to know Him and for His glory.
Think about these words from Psalm 34:
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
and delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is near the brokenhearted;
He saves those crushed in spirit.
Many adversities come to the one who is righteous,
but the Lord delivers him from them all.
He protects all his bones;
not one of them is broken.
There is so much more I could say, but I can’t write everything. I would love to hear from you, so don’t hesitate to write back if you feel up to it. I say it again; you are loved.
Your Friend,
Melissa
She Endeavors 